Hacking Fatherhood Read online

  My wife and I have been through this dreadful event two times in our parental journey together. Both times were in the first trimester, which is the most common time for a miscarriage. My youngest sister-in-law had a miscarriage in the first trimester too, and my oldest sister-in-law lost a child just before her due date. These experiences are insanely painful and can wreak havoc on emotions, confidence, and relationships.

  I will speak only about my direct experience losing two of my children. It is horrible. One time was tough. Two times was brutal. You immediately crash from very high to very low. It’s disheartening and very emotional. Your wife does not heal quickly, and there are lasting effects from it. Most guys have trouble understanding this. I have watched from the sidelines as my peers go through it, the woman dying inside, and the man going on about his business, pretending it never happened. Most men have no idea what they should be doing, so they retreat. They sprint back to their normal life as soon as possible to escape the foreign and uncomfortable atmosphere that miscarriage created. This withdrawal from him makes it worse on her. So many guys leave her to suffer alone, and she quietly does just that. Fathers will never be able to understand what losing a child inside of their body is like. To be safe, assume that it’s just like losing a close friend. Even though they have never met, mothers have loved that child instinctively, in a profound way. Suffer with her and be present. Do not abandon her.

  Perhaps, the best way to present this is to allow you to peer into my heart by way of a memoir that I wrote a few days after our first miscarriage. This was written by a desperate man. I was in a manic, confused, unprepared, fearful, and sad place. I was watching my wife suffer and trying to be present to her needs, all the while my heart was also in pieces. I was blindsided and had never even thought about this as a possibility before. I had no instruction manual or guiding mentor for this hardship. I knew she needed me to be something, but I wasn’t sure whom or how. I don’t know where you stand on God and creation, but I make no apologies for where I stand. You will probably see exactly where when you read this. You may have a different coping mechanism, but this view of God helped me, and us, get through it. I wrote these exact words many years ago, a few days after our first miscarriage. I hope it’s helpful to you. It may also be beneficial to someone that you know is suffering in the same way.

  Here it is:

  “The prefix mis is meant for negative use to mean bad or badly—as in misinterpret, mispronounce, or mistake. The word miscarriage would simply mean a bad carrying of something, in this particular case, carrying of a soul and a chosen child of God. On matters of creation, the word miscarriage is an oxymoron, and I find it completely offensive. The eternal Father, the creator of the universe and all that is Holy, planned this precious soul and knew this child even before conception. There has been no mistake, and most certainly, no poor carrying.

  She and I were chosen to co-create with our Father to bring this child into the world. There needed to be a human vessel, or this soul would never have been created for the Kingdom of God. I consider it an honor that we have been chosen for this task. We have been blessed with a healthy son before this child, and I am so unbelievably grateful for him. I have been squeezing him much tighter this week. But whether this recent child had been lost at six weeks in utero or had outlived both parents, God looks at him or her the same in either case: as a daughter, a son, a precious soul.

  I have never experienced pain of this level in my personal life. However, I am not angry with God. To be very honest, I am personally surprised by this realization. I know that if I could see His face, He would have even more tears than I have right now. I realize that it would only be selfish to be angry. If I am asked to bear an open wound, that is the least of what I can do in exchange for the gift of security in knowing a sovereign God. I have heard on many occasions that we are to bear our cross and carry it daily. I am starting to understand at least a fraction of what this means now. I never even felt like I had anything heavy enough to merit being called a cross before. In some unexplainable way, this experience has led me closer to the Father, not just because I hurt and I am in real need of help right now, but because I feel like I understand Him a little better as The Father. As we found out that there were complications with this pregnancy, our prayers remained the same. Our prayer was for God’s will to be done and for the grace, wisdom, and strength to accept this will. Our desire was for a healthy, full-term baby. God knew our desire but answered our prayer. I am inconsistent in most everything in my life; I am, however, very consistent in at least one task—I pray for peace for my family every day. I am coming to a better understanding of what peace actually is now.

  Peace is not a lack of suffering. Peace is being able to suffer without fear. I think that peace explained in a simple word would be freedom. At the present time, being able to suffer in peace is an outpouring of God’s grace. It is a gift. I am so grateful for this extra grace and even more grateful that the same grace has been given to my wife - undoubtedly much more than to me. Words are unable to describe the respect and admiration that I have for her right now. I cannot pretend to understand what it is like to be the carrier of such a precious soul. No one knows a child as a mother does. I know that my prayer for peace has been answered in a profound way. I thank God for such a tremendous gift in such a fragile and needy time.

  We are taught to store up treasures in heaven. I think that I am beginning to understand at least part of what this means now. I hope for the day that I get to meet this precious child of God personally. I cannot wait to embrace and express my love and gratitude for him or her. I usually stay away from talk of people being in heaven and thoughts of what it must be like up there. However, right now I cannot stop thinking of all the children that must be there. From what I read, one in five pregnancies ends early. That adds up to an amazing number of souls. I guess God needs these for reasons beyond my comprehension. I know as much as He loves these children, it must be a wonderful place to be. I also take comfort in thinking of my family members that have left us and how cool it is that they are welcoming this new child into a new realm of existence.

  The prefix mit means to send, as in the words transmit and remit. This is the prefix that should be used for the carrying and then sending a child to be with the Father. This mit-carriage has impacted me in ways beyond words. I know this journey will continue. This child has ministered to me in this mystery, and I am forever grateful for that. I will miss this child every day of my life on Earth, but I take pride in the job that was chosen for us. I will continue to suffer in peace, but if asked to carry on this mission again, I will say, “Yes, Lord, may your will be done in my life, and somehow may my life here add glory to your Kingdom. Amen.”

  If this tragedy happens to you, you and your wife need to take some time off. You need time to grieve. This is a loss that only someone who has been through it can relate to. You cannot just go on, business as usual, as if nothing happened, and expect to function normally. A real problem with miscarriage is that the world doesn’t have an official, accepted protocol on this. When a person dies that has made it outside of the womb, there are social norms. There are ceremonies, visitations, meals, and most certainly time off from work and other obligations. When your unborn child dies, there should be something in place to help you cope. The family should gather together for support. You should have some time off and maybe even some sort of ceremony. We did. We didn’t publish it in the paper and invite the world. We just asked a few family members to join us in offering prayers and to support us in our period of grieving. Just being together and supporting each other helped us all. Many years later, I still grieve those babies, and so does my wife. I’m especially reminded of them when I see parents with a child that they apparently don’t want. This is painful to see, and it’s almost impossible for me not to be angry with them. Here we are trying to have children, wanting to care for them, and others are having them repeatedly, wanting nothing to do with them, and taking i
t all for granted. This is real life, and often times, real life is unfair.

  I must say that we learned what vulnerability really feels like after accepting the responsibility of trying to get pregnant again. We were both gun-shy after the first miscarriage. When the next pregnancy ended the same way, we were very wounded and began to worry. After being beaten up twice, accepting another try was extremely difficult. We had to muster up some real courage and put our feelings and fears on the line. We did, and it paid off in the form of multiple wonderful boys. The easier path would have been to protect our emotions and just stop trying. The right path was to band together and rely on each other. We both wanted more children and could not deny it. It was a time of growth and dependency on each other and ended up strengthening us as individuals and as a couple. For some, the marriage doesn’t finish in a better place. It takes everything you’ve got to come out with your head above water. It’s much better to have your friends and family support you and cut you some slack. Don’t keep it a secret and carry it all alone.

  What’s next? Well, friend, you must use your best judgement to gauge the tempo for when to move forward. With that said, my recommendation is to be present, talk, pray, take time to heal, and eventually, to try again. Trying again will take courage and vulnerability, but I can tell you with certainty that the best source of healing will likely be to band together and to offer all of yourselves for something potentially greater. It goes without saying that it will certainly be a celebrated and joyful moment if you do find that desired child in your arms one day.

  6 MONTHS BC

  Whew! The Second Trimester

  Wait… Is that sunshine piercing through the dark clouds? I think the storm is over. Hey, you’re back! Babe, it’s really great to see you again.

  The second trimester is usually fun. The puke-a-thon is over. Hormones have equalized, and your wife is starting to get her normal personality and temperament back. You will get to see a new ultrasound image that more closely resembles a person and not a kidney bean. That’s cool! If you choose to, you get to find out the sex of the child you are obsessing about, which is amazing. You’re cruising now. Everyone is happy for your new family, and you think you are getting more mentally prepared too. Instead of managing foreign feelings, the second trimester is usually about getting prepared and feeling excited.

  At around 20 weeks, it will be time for a sonogram, although some doctors will allow it a few weeks earlier. Just know that you can’t tell too much from the scan concerning the child’s sex if it’s much earlier than 20 weeks. Try to be patient. At this appointment, the sonogram will be external, with a handheld unit that scans on little Momma’s stomach. These units are much better than the internal unit used before that looked like Bob Barker’s old microphone from The Price is Right. It’s more comfortable, and since pants stay on, visitors can come in to see too. This visit is more than just checking for anatomy that will hopefully confirm gender if you elect to find out. They will measure your little one’s body parts and check growth milestones. This is all done digitally and is really cool stuff. You can get prints of the scans, or get them on a CD or jump drive to take home.

  You probably already know about the 4D optional sonograms. Most people do this just to see a better picture of their little developing family member. It’s kind of like a picture, but more like a Play-Doh™ 3D rendering of a child-like object that hasn’t been totally finished yet. Sometimes the images aren’t the best quality on this visit, and after the expense is paid, it can be a letdown. I’ve never seen anyone obtain images that look like the ones on the brochure. It’s totally a matter of preference, but know that results do vary. It can be an expensive luxury that ends in disappointment if a quality image isn’t captured or if the baby isn’t in an ideal position for a photo op. You can decide what it’s worth to you and if you want to add this extra scan. It’s exciting to finally find out what’s in there. Now you can say “he” or “she” instead of “it.” You can start to more clearly imagine what you think life will be like in the coming years. If you have already chosen a name, you can begin to use it immediately. I support the idea of naming early so you can talk to him and allow him to hear your voice speaking his name. If you don’t think talking to him for six months matters, you are mistaken. They will learn your voice and respond better and faster once they make it to the other side. Start talking to your child, even if it feels strange at first. You will most likely find that the bizarre practice of speaking into a woman’s belly button will have a positive emotional effect on Mom too. It’s sweet and shows a level of commitment and sincerity.

  I want to throw something else in here because a shameful habit is commonplace in many modern relationships, and I think it shouldn’t be. It’s a tragedy that causes everyone in the home to suffer. That habit is yelling at each other. If you are a high volume, argumentative type of guy, this would be a good time to learn to stop doing it in the house. Work on those bad tendencies to fight with your spouse. You should have quit that a long time ago anyway, right? After all, fighting is selfish 98% of the time. Speaking to your wife in the same tone you use to scold a dog is disrespectful and most definitely a result of a lack of self-control. You want your baby to be in a peaceful environment. You don’t want him to learn bad habits from you in the future, and you want to have a better relationship with your wife. Those are three worthy reasons to improve. Simple enough. We also want to set the right example for our children as they mature and learn from our example. If this hits close to home, maybe it’s time to work on it. I encourage you to do just that. You may find this hard to believe, but I’m going to share it. I never heard my father yell at my mother. Never! It wasn’t that he was a doormat, a pushover, or that he always agreed. He just made a decision long ago, after being hurt by his father’s anger, to stop the madness. He never had to verbally instruct me on how to respect a woman, he showed me. My wife will gratefully and happily tell you that she has never received verbal assault or screaming from me. I give total credit to my dad. He trained me for success. He hacked my marriage by pre-conditioning me to have self-control, to be respectful, and to work things out in a non-hostile way. I hope my kids pick it up from me, and I hope yours pick it up from you. It’s powerful stuff and a tremendous gift. I’ll get off that soapbox now, and we’ll trudge on. Now we can focus on some fun stuff.

  The Name Game

  So what about the name? Some couples are totally prepared, having both a girl and a boy name picked out months in advance, waiting for the verdict to come in. Sometimes the deliberation over a name, or over multiple names, can last all 40 weeks. I know a few parents that hadn’t decided until after the child was breathing room oxygen in the hospital nursery. Don’t get bent out of shape if you cannot agree on a name immediately. One name that you have always loved will be one that she hates. Your favorite may be the name of the crazy pervert that dated her best friend. The one she has always liked happens to be the name of the creepy kid that used to shoot spitballs and pick his nose beside you in 4th grade. The good thing is that there are millions of options out there. Keep making lists privately, then come together to review them with each other. Go through family histories, baby naming books, and maybe do some name trending research online. It’s fun to go through your lists together. You may not come to a 100% agreement, but you will find some common ground. This is one of the rare times that I will not just encourage you to let her have her way to keep the peace. A name is very important, and you should reach an agreement on this issue. Don’t be belligerent about it, but be patient and wait until you find an agreeable match. Sometimes you need to marinate for a few weeks on a name to get a good feel. Be patient and compassionate.

  Consider one more hack when playing the name game. You may want to withhold your preferred names from friends and family until it’s officially decided. I highly recommend maintaining a tight-lipped practice until the end of the naming process. Sometimes people will share their opinion too openly and hurt your
feelings. If your mother-in-law says that she hates a name you are heavily considering, it really can be a buzzkill. It’s not her decision or anyone else’s. Wait until you are sure of it. Don’t ask for outside opinions on the top contenders. Simply announce the final name once you and the Mrs. have definitively decided.

  Where and How to Have a Baby

  Does anybody know where to buy an inflatable kiddie pool in January? How do we get the garden hose unfrozen?

  Two more critical things that should be determined by this point are: where to have the baby, and how to have the baby. Let’s start with the where question. You know that there is a growing trend of people having babies at home. Many people are using a doula or a midwife instead of an OB/GYN. Some people go this route because of the potential cost savings. Others like this option because they are concerned with being in a germ-infested hospital. There are also the all-natural, holistic types, who want to do it the natural, old-fashioned way. They choose to deliver in their bathtub, in their bedroom, in a kiddie pool in the living room, or on an organic, hand-woven, hemp hammock in a free-range chicken coop. You do whatever you think is best, but don’t choose an option to be cool or to have an amazing Facebook™ video to share. Choose it because you think it’s the best option for your family. I have seen first-hand what it looks like when there are complications during labor. Personally, I don’t want to be anywhere that doesn’t have all the necessary equipment in case of trouble. We have been, and most likely will continue to be, delivering in a hospital every time. Hastily searching through my kitchen drawer for salad tongs, while my wife is screaming in the living room, just before passing out, is not my idea of a good time. I do not mean to make light of this subject or to insult anyone. Choosing a birthing location is a significant decision that carries lots of emotional weight.