Hacking Fatherhood Read online

  I do want to take one moment to recognize that some children have mental and physical problems that make certain tastes and smells unbearable. This is the case with many children on the autism spectrum and in kids dealing with other sensory and psychological issues. These special situations should always be approached carefully, with the help of a professional. I know first-hand how impossibly challenging sensory disorders can be. I battle them every day with one of my sons, and it’s exhausting and very defeating at times.

  The time to start consuming useful foods that benefit our bodies is now. Instead of chowing down on empty calories with zero health value, we must start eating real food that our bodies need to thrive. As a society, we consume huge amounts of sugar and our grocery stores are crammed full of products that have no nutritional value. There is nothing beneficial in so much of what we call food. In case no one else is bold enough to ever say it, I want to make this statement now. No one, especially a child, ever needs to consume a soft drink. It’s sugar, dye, and lab chemicals that make you fat, destroy your pancreas, and rot your teeth. Diet drinks may me missing the sugar, but what else is in there? There is nothing of value. Why are these lab-made colas ever acceptable to put in front of people we love? If you want the best for yourself and your child, don’t buy this garbage. Tell Grandma too. There is just no need to even introduce these as options to kids. They don’t need to be in the house for any of you. A recent study reported that in a day, the average child age 12-18 drinks more calories than they eat. I see kids every week in my dental practice that have $1200 worth of dental treatment needs before their seventh birthday. This is parental abuse and neglect. We are the ones buying the groceries and placing them in front of the kids. This harmful, sugary overload is totally preventable, and the alternative is way cheaper. Drink water. Some juice is OK, but not necessary for daily thriving. Get naturally flavored drinks if you need any additives.

  There are also many milk options that aren’t full of sugar, preservatives, and hormones. Read the labels and be blown away. Sugar is powerfully addictive. Avoid it. Yes, people will think you are an alien when you bring your own organic juice box and cake to the birthday party instead of partaking in the bright blue sugar and test tube concoction that is offered to all the little tikes. Get over it. Recently, my boy #3 asked if he could get some of the bright candy that was strategically positioned at his eye level in the checkout aisle. Before I could respond, his brother, boy #2, said, “No way! That has chemicals in it, and it’s bad for you. That can make you sick.” It made me proud. It made me even more delighted, but got a little awkward, when the conversation advanced further. Boy #3 says, “But why can’t I have it, Daddy?” to which I replied, “Because I love you too much to let you eat things that can hurt your body. That is poison.” As soon as the razor sharp, deliberately vicious word leaped from my lips with an uncanny, piercing, crystal clear pitch, I simultaneously noticed that the lady behind me was staring and listening intently. She was frozen in time, mouth breathing, with her eyes on my crew. I uncomfortably noticed that she had just handed her whining little girl the same bag of Skittles that I had just aggressively denied my offspring. Check, please!

  I could go on and on about the current epidemic. How ridiculous it is that our national population is dying of malnutrition and overeating at the same time. I think this is the first time in the history of the human race that a large group of people is doing this. But hey, this is not a food book. There are plenty of other books and online resources that can teach you how to eat right and be healthy. The point of this book is just to say, in no uncertain terms, that if you are not already serious about your family’s health, it’s time to be. Let’s just keep it simple for now. Eat lean meats. Buy ones with the least number of chemical additives and preservatives as possible. Read labels and educate yourself on what they mean. Reduce sugar intake. Eliminate fried food, even if it’s a vegetable. Drink water, not cola. Consume lots of fruits, seeds, nuts, and veggies, and eat them raw when possible. Again, watch out for chemicals, dyes, pesticides, and preservatives. When in the grocery store, stick to the perimeter of the store. Stuff in bags and boxes, usually in the middle aisles that take up the most real estate, are usually not a good choice. Carbs are not evil. They are necessary for human life. But when you consume them, make sure they are whole grain and real food. These bagged and boxed items are usually the most processed with added preservatives and sugars that lack nutritional value. Lots of good things and bad things can be in the frozen section. Look carefully. Buy organic when possible. Although it will be more expensive, it’s probably worth the added cost. Eliminate the junk food. It is important to splurge once in a while for psychological reasons. Once in a while, meaning like once per week. You don’t have to totally surrender to everything you crave. Just remember, a cheat meal should be planned. An on-the-spot cheat meal or a repetitive one is failure and a lack of discipline. Set a day of the week to eat the forbidden temptations that you crave, but only eat them that day. Eventually, your body will adjust to the new plan and not even want the honey bun on the cheat day.

  It will seem more expensive on the front end to stop buying fake food and investing in the real stuff. However, organic tomatoes are cheaper than Lipitor, Prozac, and insulin pumps later. The $14.23 you save every week buying over-processed, boxed, sugary snacks instead of fruit and granola will never compare to the price of open heart surgery in your 40’s.

  Remember why we started this whole conversation. It was about what is best for the baby. Your child will want you around for a while. Give him that gift. More than just adding years to your life, this new lifestyle will add energy and self-worth, which will foster a better overall family environment full of life and loaded with playful memories. All of your children will prefer that you be healthy enough to play with them. Your child will need to eat real food that is good for him, now and later. Give him that privilege. The parents are in control and have a responsibility to do this. Your household should be a healthy environment that teaches wellness, intelligence, and discipline. At some point in time, they will realize its worth and appreciate it. Don’t force your children into addictive habits and lifelong struggles with bad eating habits and weight problems that are so common in our population. It all starts now. If you start well, you will likely finish well. If you put it off, it will likely never happen, and everyone will suffer for that decision. Parental neglect now will certainly compound into bigger issues later.

  One more thing. If you drink too much alcohol, do something drastic. I speak from personal experience here. I was relying on wine to alleviate much of my stress for many years. I didn’t realize how badly it was affecting my body until I made a change. Quit for an entire month or maybe even get some professional help. If you smoke, find a way to stop. If you are addicted to unhealthy things, find your grittiest self and fight against them. Do it for your family. These things cannot wait. They will get worse with the added burdens of active, stressful family life, especially in the early years. The time to make a dramatic and permanent change is now.

  10 MONTHS BC

  One Test Changes Everything

  After an excruciating day at work, two months of being open to the idea, she dropped the plastic wand onto the counter as I poured a much-needed glass of wine. It was only 5:46 p.m. when she shouted, “Ba-bam!” The sound of the crashing device on the countertop, the unexpected shrill sound of her uncharacteristically piercing voice, the unmistakable look of those two faded lines on the plastic device….I wasn’t ready yet.

  So you’ve been working the fertility system for a while. A health insurance plan is in place, even though you have not fully adjusted to paying for it. You are cautiously optimistic about the future, still doubting that you really know what you are doing. You are eating well (or at least a lot better), feeling good, and probably realizing just how infrequently you pooped before eating a real food diet. You have been enjoying better quality sleep. You have an increase in energy and maybe
even an escalated sense of self-worth. You are using your newfound, robust libido wisely and even starting to prefer the new free range boxers over the old, snug fit briefs.

  Now that there is a real chance that the newfound lifestyle and techniques could be working, we should move on to the topic of pregnancy testing. You need to know that testing could be exciting, frightening, joyful, or potently disheartening. Be prepared for potential emotional fireworks in either direction. Sometimes you get both an upswing and a downswing from a single result. Life doesn’t necessarily prepare you for this stuff. It’s tough to know how to field your wife’s emotions with this type of potential polarity. Be prepared for anything. It’s impossible not to get your hopes up and become emotionally invested in the process and the results. It’s the biggest thing you have ever undertaken. Nothing in your life is more important or more pivotal than the possibility of bringing a child into the world. Chances are that one of you, if not both of you, have been dreaming about this for years. Like the other significant milestones and events, you have been through in the past, you are probably nervously optimistic.

  The first signs of early pregnancy are usually mild and come in the form of your wife becoming more tired and needing more sleep than usual. The lethargy may also be coupled with a sickly feeling, maybe some irritability too. For once, it’s not because of you. Actually, now that I think about it, it’s probably mostly because of you! These things are usually not overly dramatic in the first few weeks and can even go undetected. Women will often assume that they are a little under the weather, or simply fatigued from the stresses of everyday life. Most women first perk up and pay attention when their monthly period seems later than usual. After this goes on for a few days, she is becoming both nervous and excited in anticipation. A good guy hack here is terribly simple but revolutionary for many men. Are you ready for it? Talk to her. Ask her to keep you informed. Tell her in advance that you want to know what she’s feeling and not to keep these things a secret. You need to be present with her in these times, and she will benefit from knowing that you are and will be. Guys don’t typically do this, so it will be remarkable and welcomed when you propose it.

  If she thinks she may be pregnant, she may prefer to see a doctor to confirm the results. The first step for most coupes is a home pregnancy test. Just like the home ovulation tests for the fertility monitor, these also require a small urine sample. A test kit can be picked up at the local pharmacy. After she puts a liquid sample on the test stick, anticipation builds. Usually, within a few long minutes, the symbols magically appear to communicate a life-altering message—pregnant or not pregnant. Most of these tests are looking for a specific hormone that is only present during pregnancy. After the sperm and egg unite, the fertilized egg must travel from its former residence in the fallopian tube to the new real estate at the uterus. Once the journey is complete, the new life form implants into the uterine wall. This implantation triggers more changes. A placenta begins to develop and hormones are released. Most pregnancy tests detect hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin), which becomes more and more measurable in blood and urine each subsequent day after implantation occurs. If it is present in urine when you test, you are almost certainly pregnant. Sometimes it can take a week or two from your successful romantic interlude before implantation takes place and the hormone level rises, which is why you don’t test in the first few days immediately after the session. Some women have a sixth sense for knowing early when they are pregnant. It takes others several months to notice anything out of the ordinary and to make the connection.

  Waiting five to ten minutes for the test on the bathroom counter is a nerve-racking experience that seems like an eternity. Watching those faint lines begin to appear is more suspenseful that any M. Night Shyamalan film. Many women do this part in secret and just reveal the results later. It can be a lot of fun to watch together. You both should decide ahead of time on what you prefer. Again, be prepared for crazy emotions that could swing either way. Just remain positive and available. I encourage doing these tests together so that you can offer comfort and support if the result is not what you expected.

  If you get a negative result saying that she is not pregnant, you may want to test again in a few days, especially if she isn’t feeling well or is still late in her usual cycle. You can usually confirm that she isn’t pregnant if her period starts again. If the home pregnancy test shows that she is pregnant, you should schedule her an appointment with the OB/GYN as soon as possible. They will confirm the results with a more thorough test in the office, then immediately begin the prenatal care and baby preparation process. The doctor will likely start her on prenatal vitamins and establish a due date at this visit.

  If you don’t have a positive test result yet, stay the course and keep working the system. Be patient. After you get past the 12-month stage of no pregnancy, have a consult to discuss it with the doc if it may ease anxiety. Just remember that it takes most couples this long as well. You are not alone. Don’t panic. A professional discussion may help everyone to relax, which is sometimes exactly what two people need for conception to work. Stress plays a key role in the fertility equation. We should reduce it whenever possible.

  One more thing, when she asks if you want a boy or a girl, tell her that you just want a healthy baby and that you are insanely pumped about either possibility. Reassure her that you will rock any and all scenarios. Don’t be the egotistical brat that gets hung up one way or the other and gets upset in 20 weeks when you find out that you aren’t getting what you think you want. Man up and take one for the team. Don’t be a jerk. This may take some maturity and some discipline. Don’t make this about you. Once the baby comes, you will love either sex more than you ever thought possible. Don’t add another level of stress and disappointment to the list. Be happy. Be supportive. Even if you are a little disappointed, keep it under wraps. Keep a poker face until the real joy comes. Trust me, it will.

  9 MONTHS BC

  Letting the Cat Out of the Bag

  “Why am I getting messages from all of your family congratulating me? I haven’t even told my mother yet. If she finds out on Facebook before I can talk to her, I’m going to be so mad!”

  Once you have a confirmation of pregnancy, you have to decide whom to tell, how to reveal the messages, and when to go public with the news. This is not your decision. I repeat. This is not your decision. Do not tell anyone until you get explicit permission from the new mom. She probably has a priority list and wants to reveal in some methodic, possibly romantic, pre-planned sequence. Do not drop this stuff on social media until instructed to do so. Some people don’t share the news right away, while some have Snapchatted the live stream before the urine has dried on the test stick. Other women may wait until they are visibly showing. Just know that you need to default to her on any breaking news reporting. One way for an emotional, hormonal grenade to detonate in your hands is for a loved one to text your wife a congratulations message before she approved the message to be delivered. She will likely want to be the one to share. If so, let her. Also, one other thing to remember: this is the biggest thing in your life, but not in everyone else’s. Go easy on the public celebration. It can come across as a little narcissistic, and it also can be hard to take for people who are having a difficult time becoming pregnant. Be excited, but not obnoxious.

  If there is a decision to be made on whether you both leak the info sooner or later, I would recommend sooner. This may be counterintuitive, but hear me out. It’s good to have some friend and family support every step of the journey. I realize that some people wait longer out of fear because they worry about getting excited, then being devastated with a miscarriage. Some people don’t want to burden others. Some want to be private with their emotions and avoid having to share sad news later. Nonetheless, I can tell you from personal experience that if something horrible happens, that’s when you need the prayers and support of friends and family the most. Withholding the reports and suffering without any outsid
e help just makes it harder on both of you. I say to share news and share the process with people that love you most. You may need them more than you think.

  This topic is short and to the point. Get permission before you leak any info, and agree ahead of time whom should receive it.

  Papa’s Got a Brand New Identity

  The new reality hasn’t set in quite yet. It probably won’t. Act like it has anyway.

  Now that you are officially the father of an unborn child, you have to start acting like one. Now is the time to be more present than ever, physically and emotionally. There are lots of important discussions about your new life changes that must be hashed out. If she wants to talk, you talk. In case you don’t already know this, a lot of time that means just listening to her talk. Most of the time, she doesn’t want your words or your quick solutions. She desires your heart and needs your time and attention. Guys innately want to stop talking and just fix the problem. Women usually don’t want the solution as much as they just want to discuss it… repeatedly. Provide words if prompted, but otherwise, just be available and attentive. There will be 1,000 things swirling in your head, and most likely, 200,000 in hers. Just let her know that you are still her man and that you will have her back the whole way through. Drop whatever you are doing when she has something on her mind that she wants to talk about. Let her see you cancel your plans or postpone your agenda to accommodate her needs. Keep a level head and reaffirm to her that she and your baby are your highest priority. This simple, automatic guarantee will start to lessen anxiety and help to prevent many other compounded problems that can result from stress, fear, and anxiety.