Hacking Fatherhood Read online

  Let’s talk about science for a minute. I hope you remember from your 10th-grade biology class that a single sperm must reach a viable egg for this pregnancy thing to work. If your swimmers are kicking like Michael Phelps, but their numbers are too few, they might not make it there. If there are a legion of Lochtes all doing it right, but there is no viable egg, they can’t hit the mark to finish the job. So how do you know when the time is right? Let’s just focus on her first. After all, she has way more of a physical investment in this entire ordeal than you do. What an understatement! Lucky for all of us, there are some definitive ways to know if and when she is ovulating. You’ve probably heard of the calendar, or the rhythm method, which is simply counting days. This helps, but it’s not foolproof by any means. Let’s start with that. From day one of her menstrual cycle (when her period starts and bleeding begins), you can start counting days to know what is happening internally. By day seven, an egg is ripening in a typical ovulatory cycle. Usually, between 7-11 days from the start day, the uterus begins to thicken, and cervical fluids change. After 11 days, hormones begin to change, which cause a healthy egg to be released and become available. This release is called ovulation and is when all systems are a go for conception. This magical day of human physiology should take place on the middle day of the cycle. The literature will say that this release typically happens on day 14. The problem is that all of this is based on having a totally predictable cycle that is the ideal 28 days, every month, every time. That certainly doesn’t represent all women. It might not even be anywhere in the ballpark for your gal. The problem with the calendar method is that if a woman has a cycle of 19 days or 42 days, and varies each month, the counting is futile and unreliable. It is now, once again, just a guessing game. The other complicated issue is that several outside factors may affect the patterns. Illness, medications, lack of sleep, nutrition, physical problems, emotional issues, and good ole fashioned stress can all affect her cycle timing and cause variations within it.

  It should comfort you to know that some of the aforementioned ovulation cycle changes can be accurately monitored. That means that you don’t have to rely on counting alone, which is not typically sufficient. Each change of the monthly cycle is accompanied by hormonal changes that can be measured. One easy way to monitor these changes is with a fertility monitor. This modern marvel is a handheld digital device that tests for rises in hormones, usually luteinizing hormone (LH) or estrogen. It’s compact, about the size of your old iPhone 4 (not your iPhone 6 Plus). The woman provides a urine sample on a test stick, which is loaded into the machine, to test her hormone levels. This is done at home and doesn’t require a trip to the doctor’s office. When the hormones spike, we know that ovulation is starting and an egg is soon-to-be released. The machine will show you about six days of fertility increase, and identify one or two peak days when fertility is the highest. Your spouse will check the machine every morning to see if a test is indicated. The monitor asks for many tests the first month to learn her cycle, then will only request a test sample on the more likely fertile days in following months. These simple devices cost around $200, and the test sticks are about a buck each. There are also separate, less expensive, single-use ovulation testing sticks that don’t require a monitor. The disposable stick just shows a one-time reading. If you want to cover all the bases, at all costs, get the monitor. It provides more peace of mind because it gives more feedback, more instructions, and tracks more data. If you want to stay with the low-budget option and just want to feel better about expectations, use the single test sticks. Add this method to your bag of tricks as another adjunct tool to use in learning which days are best to release the hounds.

  Beyond counting days and digital hormone testing, there are even more ways to monitor, learn, and know the peak ovulation days. You will be happy to know that the rest of the methods are free. See, other changes to a woman’s body also point to a clearer picture of what is happening and when. There are temperature changes that show trackable patterns if you take her temperature the same time each morning. Relax, I mean her oral temperature. There are also definitive changes to her cervix that provide distinct ovulation information. This fascinating body part is a tube-like section of tissue that sits in between her uterus and her vagina. In simple terms, it’s like a gate. The cervix changes position by moving up and down throughout the cycle. It also opens and closes to allow a more direct pathway to the new viable egg. Once your lady learns the right way to check her cervix, using her finger, she can very accurately know what it’s doing. The position, firmness, and openness all tell you what stage of the cycle she is in, and therefore what comes next. There are also changes in the consistency of fluids inside her feminine parts. Again, once she learns the right way to check and test herself, these mucous patterns point us to even more useful information. Her body temperature, cervix activity, and internal fluids are all working together to provide a more accommodating environment that makes sperm live longer. These changes also make for easier travel for your tadpoles, so they can hopefully have better odds to get the job done. When working properly, her system wants to get pregnant every month. Everything in her body starts catering to the possibility. Not coincidentally, this will also be the time of the month when she most desires sexual activity. Even cooler, it will also be the time you are most attracted to her and really want to do the deed because of crazy chemicals, hormones, pheromones, signs, and signals that are happening without you even knowing it. I find all of these changes fascinating. It’s incredible that this epic cycle happens every month!

  That information should be enough to get you excited and to peak your interest in the subject. I hope you will dig even deeper into all of this. This book is not meant to be a comprehensive guide for teaching you everything about measuring her fertility. There is a wealth of knowledge available on this subject. Search for books on “Natural Family Planning” (NFP) and read reviews. You could probably get the info for free on blogs. (P.S. Authentic Catholics are usually the best resource for this education. Find a Catholic mom’s guide to NFP.) Now that you are more equipped, let’s press on.

  As I said, your wife will have to learn and monitor a few of these things on her own and just let you know of the findings. Using an “all of the above” approach in the beginning is good. Track everything that is trackable for a few months until you start to get a good picture. In time, you will only need to actively watch one or two of the items and probably won’t even need the monitor anymore. The other great thing about learning how to read all these signs is that this same system will become your all-natural form of birth control in the times when you are spacing children or do not wish to conceive. This is Natural Family Planning for both conception and contraception. My wife and I have practiced it for 14 years without any mishaps. All four of our children were planned and intended. The system really works, plus there is no bloating, cramping, increase in the risk of cancer, weight gain, sleep problems, hormonal rages, blindness, anal bleeding, foaming at the mouth, loss of sexual desire, or any of the other side effects you hear on the commercials. Plus, it’s a lot cheaper than visiting the pharmacy every month.

  OK, back to your part. It’s simple, really. This is a numbers game. You only need one sperm to make it to the fertile egg. When you have sex, you typically release over 100 million. The more you have to release, the better your chances. So how do you increase the payload? The truth is that it takes time to build up a good supply of mature sperm. As they say, “abstinence makes the sperm grow stronger.” OK, no one says that, but it’s true. And yes, I did just use the A-word. If you are having sex daily or releasing in other ways, your numbers are not fully recovering. So instead of trying to have sex every night during the “trying to get pregnant” phase, hold off for a few days in between sessions. Every other day or every third day is recommended. If you track her patterns for a few months and get the hang of the system, save up for two days before peak day, and then let it rip. I mentioned that her hormon
al rages are likely to cease when she stops taking pills, but your hormonal rage will take some work. Breathe. You can do this. It will get easier once you realize that you can, in fact, abstain for a day or two without imploding. If you want to do it the natural way, it takes some self-control. Everything in life that has any value takes discipline. Getting everything you want, whenever you want, makes you a spoiled jerk. Take one for the team every now and then. It won’t kill you, and your selfless gestures will be rewarded with more intimacy. Intimacy is something that few couples have, but everyone is haphazardly longing for.

  Common knowledge says that we should all have a healthy diet and get plenty of exercise to maintain optimal health. Strive to be as healthy as possible. It matters physically and mentally. If you wear briefs or boxer briefs, switch to boxers for the time when you are trying to get pregnant. Or heck, just go commando. It’s good for the soul every now and then anyway. Temperature is an issue for your testes. Your boys drop lower to try to stay cool. Your warm body temperature actually kills sperm. Wearing briefs or otherwise tight pants keeps them too close to your body and overheats them. So, eat well, exercise, and keep the jewels cool for several weeks to get the desired results. A few more things to consider: many lubricants, jams, and jellies that promise to increase performance and transform both of you into sex-crazed maniacs have chemicals in them that kill sperm. Check your labels. Saliva from either party can also be a detriment to sperm health.

  If you know that the time is right, take advantage of the opportunity. You may get a, “Honey, you forgot your lunch and need to come home and get it,” call at work one day. I guess nowadays you would get an otherwise weird text message with phallic emoticons of bananas, flowers, and chicken eggs. She may hastily dismiss your buddies unusually early one evening, insisting to them that you “have a lot to do and really need your rest.” One time, I had just driven an hour back home after leaving my wife visiting at her parents’ house when she called and said that she just realized that she was at peak fertility and needed my services stat. I returned because I do take pride in my job. It had to be pretty odd for the family to see me return just a few hours after having left, have a seemingly important private conversation in the back, only to then leave again shortly, (cough…) I mean a long time, after. Another incident was quite memorable. Years ago, I went on an overnighter to compete in an adventure race with my best buddy, Jay. My wife also went to support our team and cheer us on. To save money, the three of us decided to lodge together. Yep, you guessed it. All the signs aligned the night before the 6:00 a.m. starting race time. It was peak fertility time, and we were in the process of actively trying to have a baby. She creatively got my race partner to go out to fetch some item that she urgently needed from the Dollar General while I was in the shower. As soon as he left, we did our thing. It was a great weekend! We won the adventure race, defeating 20 teams in an epic comeback story, and successfully conceived our first child. We named him General after the Dollar General down the street. Just kidding!

  20 MONTHS BC

  Lies and Logistics

  It’s going to cost how much? How the heck did that guy afford it… five times?

  Great news! This chapter is worth between $3,000 and $30,000. Seriously! The not-so-great news is that to get the reward, you have to take a crash course in health insurance. I know this isn’t anyone’s favorite topic, but it’s extremely valuable. The most logical place to start the insurance discussion is in the awesomely ignorant and blissful time of paternal consideration. You know, when you think you want to become a dad. This is a fun time for couples to start romanticizing about what it will be like to have a child of their own. I think we all like to imagine life with a small child and all the fun things we will do together. We dream about the exciting and fulfilling experiences we will share with our little buddies. Staying up all night and getting puked on is usually not part of the fantasy. The truth is that kids are not real fun immediately. The visions we have are usually playing with kids that are several years old. We will get to those years, but for now, let’s back up a bit.

  If you are open to the idea of becoming a parent, and maybe even leaning towards liking the idea, there are a few things that you need to master. Number one on the list is knowing about typical expenses and insurance jargon. Most people know that having a baby is expensive. For the birth alone, you can expect to pay between $3,000 and $12,000. These are the doctors’ fees and hospital charges if everything goes perfectly and the process doesn’t get unexpectedly complicated. If there is a glitch or deviation in the ideal plan, like a C-section, the need for a high-risk doctor, or complications with the baby, there is no limit to how high that number may climb. If Mom or baby needs extra medicines, tests, or other services, the bill can rapidly start to swell. Your world will be totally rocked when a baby comes, and there will be plenty of stress. There is no need to add financial stress on top of it all. Preparation and expectation are keys to hacking this piece of the puzzle. You will need to do your best to put away money now, every month, so that you have $5,000-10,000 in the bank or your Health Savings Account (HSA) when the time comes. Don’t worry, I’m going to teach you how to keep most of the saved funds. I know the topic of insurance and savings sounds boring, but stick with me.

  Insurance preparation must come early, even before considering pregnancy. Why? Because it only takes nine months to incubate a tiny human, but most insurance companies have a 12-month waiting period before they will provide maternity coverage. The Affordable Care Act supposedly eliminated waiting periods, but it’s just a duck and cover scheme. Technically, there are no waiting periods, but you can only purchase coverage during select periods of “open enrollment” during the year, which inevitably creates a new type of waiting period. There is no such thing as a free lunch when it comes to health insurance. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. This legislation promised a great deal but didn’t deliver on those promises. You will still likely have to pay for many extra months of coverage for just a few months of use. You must also remember that there is more to maternity coverage than just the delivery and hospital fees. The prenatal care also typically accounts for several thousand dollars of the total cost of having a baby. Those fees may be charged in addition to the ones listed previously. So, it might not be that you need just 9 months of insurance coverage before delivery; you may actually need 12 months on the insurance plan before even becoming pregnant and starting prenatal care. That means you may need to start paying premiums 21 months before the planned birth date to cover the 12-month wait, plus the 9 months of care after the waiting period, before the delivery. Buzzkill, I know!

  The frustrating problem with health insurance is that every company differs, every plan within that company differs, and every medical facility differs. Beyond the insurance plan and what you think they cover, every doctor’s office and hospital differ in how they charge fees and when they do so. I know, this is a frustrating pain in your rear, but it will save you massive amounts of money, so it’s worth the time. I have a simple approach to solve these problems for you. This stage will require some homework to ensure that there are no surprises. No one wants a $5,000 surprise expense.

  Every couple fits into one of these categories. First, let’s identify the category you are currently in. Then follow the steps to properly hack this issue and prevent unforeseen trouble.

  Category A: Your wife currently has medical insurance.

  Find out if maternity coverage is already on her plan. If it is, find out how long the policy has been in effect and how long the waiting period is for maternity coverage, to make sure you are in the clear. If she has coverage and has passed the waiting period, you are almost all set. Just call the facilities that you plan to be using for care and make sure that they accept your plan. If she doesn’t have coverage for maternity on her current plan, find out what it costs to add it and what the time constraints are. Also, make sure than your preferred doctor and hospital accept this specific
plan. Don’t ask if they accept the insurance company, ask if they accept the exact plan.

  Category B: She doesn’t have medical insurance, and you do.

  Find out if she is on your current plan. If she isn’t on your policy, find out what it takes to add her to the plan. Determine what maternity options are there for coverage and find out if there any specific limits on the coverage.

  Category C: Neither of you has medical insurance, or she cannot be added to your plan.

  Find out options for getting her a private insurance plan with maternity coverage. Healthcare.gov is a starting point, but likely not the final destination. You will probably achieve better results going to individual medical insurance companies’ websites and using a search tool there. Humana, Blue Cross, and Aetna are some of the larger providers. I recommend talking to friends and family to find out what plans they are on and if there were any surprises or pitfalls using them.