Hacking Fatherhood Read online

  In the event that an induction was scheduled and labor was accurately anticipated, the doctor may have prescribed an enema about 12 hours before delivery. This is a simple, over-the-counter, liquid laxative treatment. It’s self-injected into the rectum (at home) and functions to totally empty the tank. Any stool that is in there will come out with astonishing efficacy. Every bowel movement makes more room for the baby. In theory, this should make delivery easier and cleaner. These methods also make it easier for the new mother to have a bowel movement after delivery, which sometimes can be a difficult feat.

  4 HOURS BC

  Things Just Got Real

  Everything in my body was freaking out. I thought I was going to pass out or throw up, or do both. I was so excited and so nervous at the same time. Was I ready to be a dad? What if there are problems with the delivery? What if there is something wrong with the baby? Why isn’t anyone else as concerned as I am? Deep breath… poker face… words of encouragement… focus… oh man… here we go!

  The big show has arrived. It’s not only D-Day, but it’s also the final hour! The doctor may not be in sight yet, but the rest of the crew is prepping for the inevitable event that is about to commence. Every now and then someone checks the signs, the dilation, effacement, and contractions. The staff will let your wife know when a contraction is coming and how to deal with it. Stay by her side, and do whatever helps her. Don’t lounge on the lousy sofa and check your phone notifications while she does all the work. Even if she doesn’t want you to “help,” be fully present. Use the phone to send updates when she asks you to. Otherwise, stay 100% focused on her. You already know this stuff by now, right?

  Finally, she’s 10 centimeters dilated and fully effaced. Her water has broken, and it’s time to start pushing. This is usually when the delivery doc shows up. Her body position is quickly changed to accomodate dlivery, and several people are now getting very up-close and personal with your wife. The staff watches for an incoming contraction on the digital monitor. Once it sets in, she is asked to push. Each push lasts about ten seconds, although sometimes the staff counts painfully slowly. After the ten-second push, she will be instructed to take a deep breath and then do it again. The pushing and breathing cycle will be repeated for as long as the contraction lasts. During each contraction, which is now happening every few minutes, she will push a few times. She will probably average three sets of pushes on each contraction. Then after the contraction passes, she rests for a brief moment and catches her breath. When the next one starts coming in, more pushing ensues. There will be some play-by-play updates and instructions by the staff, and hopefully a few words of encouragement all along the way.

  If your wife has maintained top-notch health during the pregnancy, her diligence and discipline will pay big dividends in this phase. The pushing will be easier, which means a faster labor and less time for the baby to be in the canal. Because she chose to eat healthily and exercise, she is strong and has endurance. She and your baby will have a much easier time during the delivery and will have decreased the risk of complications.

  Suddenly, your new baby starts coming into view. He emerges for the first time into the outside world in an adrenaline pumping, endorphin rich moment. Nothing in your life is comparable to this, and there is no way to predict how your body will respond to the moment. Just like the other hacks, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. In your case, this means preparing for the possibility of you throwing up or passing out. Keep a chair close by and a trash can in reach. These things usually only happen to the people who think it would never happen to them.

  Hopefully, the first thing that emerges is a head, face down, which is the easiest and most favorable position to deliver. Babies can arrive face up, feet first, transverse, or in many other positions. Special considerations must be made if the position is not ideal. Thanks to modern medical equipment, the position is hardly ever a surprise anymore. If a baby is in an unfavorable orientation, the doc will probably have known for weeks and planned accordingly.

  The medical equipment will be measuring many things beyond just the contractions before and during active labor and the pushing phase. Blood pressure and heart rate, for both Mom and baby, will be monitored carefully. The staff will keep tabs on these items and respond accordingly. You will certainly hear beeps and notification alarms. Don’t panic. If either of these gets out of ideal range, some changes will be made to reduce the risk of injury.

  Often, the baby is too large, or the opening is too small, to deliver smoothly. These difficulties are more common with baby number one and with later term deliveries. One way the doctor can increase the size of the opening is by performing an episiotomy on Mom, which means cutting a slit in the soft tissue on the bottom side of the business district. It’s common and not too invasive. It’s done with a scalpel or sterile scissors and only takes a few seconds. Sometimes the deliverer needs less than an inch, and sometimes she needs several. Either way, the goal is to increase the size of the opening to deliver the baby through in a timely fashion. Afterward, this area will be sutured back together. It will add a little extra healing time, but it is a common procedure that shouldn’t make you too nervous.

  Sometimes, the baby doesn’t move adequately, and there needs to be some pulling assistance from outside to accompany the pushing from inside. Pulling may be assisted by a suction device or forceps. A vacuum-like device provides suction with a cup-shaped tip that attaches to the baby’s head, allowing the doctor a way to gently pull the baby through and manipulate the position as the child moves. Forceps are like a specialized set of salad tongs. They are curved to fit around the baby’s head, again allowing for the doctor to gently pull while Mom pushes.

  If these and other methods are not enough, the last resort is a C-Section. As you already know, a cesarean section is an operating room procedure where the abdomen and uterus are surgically opened so the baby can be safely delivered without needing to pass through the birth canal. Sometimes, based on health concerns, baby size, or compromised position, the doctor knows that a C-section is necessary before labor even starts. Other times, it can be a spur of the moment decision based on how the delivery is playing out. A C-section is not the end of the world. It will certainly add procedures to the final hospital bill and add more recovery time afterward, but it’s sometimes the safest option for the baby. If this is necessary, don’t panic. With modern day medicine, the baby is much safer outside with proper medical attention than inside the womb.

  Oh, and one more thing. All of that pushing can cause many substances to be forced out of your beloved bride during labor. If she hasn’t been a little embarrassed by now, there is a massive potential that she will be, yet again. I don’t want to be crude or graphic, but just know that there may be some urinary or fecal discharge at some point. It may surprise both of you, but not the staff. You should be mentally ready for that so that you can act like a professional, and not look shocked or grossed out. No smiling or joking either. Suppress your middle school self if he still exists. There are much greater things to get excited about at a time like this, right?

  0 BC / 0 AD

  D-Day: Party of Three

  I suddenly started feeling an intense heat followed by an immediate cold sweat. The nurse looked over and said, “Are you OK?” I confidently said that I was fine. She kept counting, with one eye on me and one on her work. She was holding a leg in position, still cheering my wife on and counting to ten. After the contraction, she leaned over and whispered in an unmistakable tone, “Sit your butt down, Daddy!”

  Whether by pushing, pulling, or surgical retrieval, at some point, a baby is coming into view. As we said before, we hope that the first sight is the top of a tiny head, face down, moving through the birth canal. You must try to prepare yourself for the sights of the delivery room. If it isn’t enough to see the pain, pushing, pulling, stretching, spreading, and everything else, the sight of your baby is very overwhelming. You’ve been waiting a long time for this specia
l gift. Only this gift, unlike the ones you opened on a spry Christmas morning long ago, also scares the heck out of you. It ignites more powerful hormones and carries much more weight. Viewing the sonogram photo is an amazing moment but pales in comparison to the real thing. The reality of being a dad hits you crazy hard the first time you see the little guy in the flesh. You may find yourself speechless, very emotional, or sick. The staff will be coaching you and your wife and probably reminding you to breathe too. Your job is strictly to support your wife. Try to enjoy it for what it is. After all, this is the biggest moment in your life.

  First, the top of a little head, then his full head, then the shoulders, the torso, the pelvis, and finally, some seemingly undersized legs and feet. Whew! That was a lot. It may take three seconds or many, very long minutes. Someone is now holding your child. He is here. If you feel the least bit queasy at any point in this circus, sit down. Have a cold soda or some juice close by in case of a drop in blood sugar and the feeling of overheating. This is the only time I support having a sugary soda. If you make it through standing, now is the time to kiss your wife. Thank her. Tell her you love her. She will never forget this moment. Be brief, kind, and supportive. Allow her to take in all the profound, life-changing moments. Compliment the beautiful child and the beautiful woman who just promoted you to your new position.

  The staff will use a bulb suction to remove amniotic fluid, blood, and other goop from the little guy’s nose and mouth. This is standard procedure and sometimes can look a little aggressive. They will then likely ask you if you want to cut the cord. That’s what dads do in the L&D suite, so they have one thing to brag about later when lighting the cigars. It’s a nice way that the staff includes you and gives you some attention. You can deny this process if you choose, and the pros will handle it. Just know that if it were a procedure that you could screw up, they would not offer it to you. They usually put two clamps on the cord, and you snip in between the pre-set landmarks. Either you or someone else cuts the cord and makes sure one clip stays with the baby. The physical connection is officially severed, just as the emotional and spiritual connection spike to record levels. A very quick wipe down commences, and the new baby is placed in the overwhelmed and overjoyed mother’s arms. It’s incredible. If you didn’t believe in God before, you likely do now, and you should. This work of art is miraculous. So many seemingly impossible things have to come together for this to all work. Your identities and your roles changed nine months ago, but suddenly it’s so much more intense and remarkable. Your hero bride has been anticipating this moment for a long time, and it’s way better than she ever imagined. The first major leg of the journey is now complete. Congrats, man!

  1 HOUR AD (AFTER DELIVERY)

  The After Party

  After the party, it’s the after party.

  Your baby is finally here. The celebration can begin, but there is still some unfinished business that needs to take place before we can call it a wrap and head for the door. One order of business that guys may not be ready for, and possibly never knew about, is delivering the afterbirth. Afterbirth consists mostly of the placenta and cord, plus some fluids. You need to know about this so that you don’t think you are having unexpected twins. The shocking part for many guys is not just that this process happens, but how remarkable the placenta is. Most first-time dads have never seen anything like it, in books or real life. It’s big. Like, almost as big as the baby, big. It’s bright purple and dark red, with blood vessels stretching over the exterior surface. It’s like something out of a sci-fi alien movie. Prepare yourself by viewing a few pictures online beforehand and reading up on it. Delivering the non-baby products can take just a minute or two, or be a thirty-minute process.

  The final task is cleaning and dressing the site. Finishing the delivery process may require that the doctor puts in a few stitches or applies medications to facilitate better healing. Sutures are usually necessary if an episiotomy was performed, and sometimes are needed for unintended wounds that resulted from the delivery.

  There’s nothing to get too worked up about on either of these housekeeping issues. I just want you to know what’s going on so you can be attentive to all of it. I know it’s a lot. You’ll do fine. Most of this part will be going on while you watch the new arrival get measured, checked, warmed, and washed on the other side of the room.

  Most women donate the placenta to be used for research and other medical purposes. You will likely have been asked to sign a paper concerning this well before it was lying in a stainless steel pan. You don’t have to sign anything over if you don’t want to. Some women prefer to keep it and do all types of things with it, like bury it in the garden. Some groups advocate eating it. Yes, I said eating it. I don’t know how, why, or when, but apparently, some people do it. Every time I enter a discussion on this topic with someone other than my wife, I get myself in trouble. Personally, we have always elected to donate the placenta for research and not bring it home. I have no further comment on this subject.

  You may have never seen the phenomenon before, but you must know about the cone heads. I’m not talking about the Dan Aykroyd skit on SNL, but now that we mentioned it, keep that image in your mind. If labor and delivery last a long time, and the baby is in the birth canal for an extended period, the little guy is likely to have a cone head when he finally emerges. If the baby is delivered with an elongated cranium, don’t freak out. He is not going to look like your father-in-law for long. It is temporary. It’s just an incredible, superior design for survival. Unlike an adult skull that is hard all the way around, a newborn’s head is much softer and has movable parts. The human skull is made up of several hard plates, but babies have not developed the bony connection between these plates yet, which means their heads can change shape as pressure is applied. This is an incredible feat that allows the skull to become thinner and longer so it can move through the canal more easily. In the days and weeks following the delivery, the plates will move back into place, resulting in a more rounded and less torpedo-like shape.

  Hustle and Bustle

  Whew! It’s done. A new member has officially been inducted into the family. Now what the heck are we supposed to do?

  The new baby is here, and many tasks have been initiated. Length, weight, temperature, and blood pressure measurements must be recorded and monitored. Eye drops, heat lamps, swaddle wraps, pricks, sticks, medicines, blue lights, lotions, and soaps are all being used in a controlled but rapid fashion. You should be present to witness all of it, which probably means that you will be across the room from your heroine wife that is finishing up with her remaining housekeeping procedures. Talk to your little guy. Touch him and allow him to hear your voice. You are the father of a new, amazing person. Try to take it all in, even though it may feel surreal and bizarre to you. The reality of all of it hasn’t quite set in yet. If you have questions for the medical staff, now is the time to ask. Feel free to do so. Ask what you can do to help out. Be present. Take pictures, but don’t experience this incredible day exclusively behind your phone or camera. Soak it all in, in real time. This is reality, not a reality show. Don’t forget to check on Mom too. She will be busy for a few minutes, but will certainly want to see what’s going on and get a play-by-play update from you. Some of the first steps are tough to watch, especially shots and pricks. He’s just so tiny, innocent, and so vulnerable.

  The red heat lamp that looks like it should have french fries under it is there to help regulate body temperature. It seems a little hot, but remember, the little guy just left a very warm, 98.6-degree environment. He is now in a much cooler room and doesn’t yet have much body fat for insulation. The other light that may be used in the same room is blue and helps to prevent and treat jaundice.

  If you elected to slow down, postpone, or eliminate any vaccine schedules, you might want to remind the nurses of that now. Don’t be a pushy know-it-all or give them any lectures about your personal views of vaccines or politics. Be polite, and just make sur
e that they know your wishes. Otherwise, they may run through the habitual, standard routine that they have done 10,000 times before. Do some research and due diligence on the types of recommended immunizations, the scheduling options, and the risks and benefits for each one. Vaccinations are a highly debated topic right now, and they deserve adequate discernment. It’s the parents’ choice to decide what to receive, what to deny, and what to postpone. Personally, after much education and discernment on the subject, we choose to space out vaccinations and receive them more slowly that the typical schedule for our children. To make your decision on the matter, read credible research and talk to professionals and, ultimately, do what feels best for you and your new family.

  The nurses will complete some official paperwork and likely some sentimental, souvenir items as well. If you have a baby book (you probably don’t, but your wife does), get them to stamp the footprints in it when they are doing that step of the paperwork. Amazingly, they still use actual ink and real paper for this. Take pictures or videos of everything, especially those significant one-time things like the first time Mom holds the baby, footprints, first bath, etc. Once again, I will remind you not to stop to share these items yet! Saturate yourself in the moment. We’ve been over this, right? The world can wait, and the people in it do not care as much about this as either one of you anyway. If possible, designate a loved one to do the picture-taking and video-making so that you are fully experiencing each step of the life-altering process. These digital timepieces will be a wonderful source of reflection later. They may even be an effective tool for bonding when you need to be reminded of your family love and marriage commitments. You will need some extra reminders from time to time over the next few decades. Trust me.