Hacking Fatherhood Page 6
Something else that many men need to mentally prepare for is the fact that their wife’s OB is about to get up close and personal on a regular basis. I say this not because I think you are unaware of the fact, but because it can be a little unsettling for some guys. Frequent exams, tests, scans, and palpations will commence over the next year. You may be surprised to know that the early sonograms require an internal component. You and your gal should talk about what visits you should attend and what is expected of you. I recommend going to as many appointments as possible. Participating in these visits allows you a chance to gain some education on what’s going on, to provide moral and emotional support for your wife, and to continually strengthen your bond with your new baby. That may sound a little funny, but I’m telling you that seeing the scans, hearing the quick little heartbeats, and just appreciating the whole process makes you more in tune. There are often scary little things that have to be discussed along the way, and new moms take comfort in their man being right beside them. You may be the only guy sitting in the waiting room at the doctors’ office with his lady. She will notice, and so will the staff.
Whoa! The First Trimester
Who is this woman? Who is this man? We are about to find out.
Here we go. It’s time for the big show. Pregnancy is officially confirmed, and emotions are high. Everyone is feverishly planning. They call it expecting, but I don’t know why. No one has any idea what to expect, especially the first time. Take a deep breath and let’s set this up for success. Let’s mark a few waypoints to hit on the trip and figure out the easiest route to get there before you stomp the gas pedal.
As you are probably already discovering, hormones can be super powerful… like on a nuclear level. Anything and everything in her emotions and demeanor can change in an instant, without warning. You cannot control these potent hormones, but you can provide an environment that will foster more sanity and comfort, thus preventing several common and harmful aftershocks from the inevitable, emotional explosions. You can be physically and mentally prepared for any brazen and sudden shift, and flow with it without missing a beat.
The first trimester is, in a word, crazy. It’s challenging because it’s so unpredictable. Pregnancy will look totally different between two women, and likely won’t even be consistent between two sequential pregnancies with the same woman. The first trimester can be totally uneventful and unnoticeable, or it can be the most dramatic chaos that you have ever seen. If you find yourself googling “warning signs of spiritual possession,” that would still be considered normal for a guy in your position. Sometimes it can resemble a sort of violent schizophrenia, not the sweet, blissful stroll you envisioned and hoped for. Every day can be different than the previous. Some women get sick, really sick. They can puke all morning, every day, and be fine after 1:00 p.m. Some can throw up all day long and keep it going into the late night hours. Others never get nauseous at all. Regardless of tiredness, sickness, hormonal rage, or water works from emotional instability, your role is simple: provide a hospitable environment. Protect her, defend her, and care for her. As long as you haven’t given her a reason to treat you like a jerk, she won’t. Well, at least not for long. Even if she has an impulsive slip-up, she will apologize and work on it, if you do your part well. In this case, the best defense is a good offense. She’s working extremely hard at all levels, and the task cannot be paused or passed to someone else. Her having some time off from being pregnant is not an option. She needs to know that you are working hard yourself and noticing her efforts too. If you are doing nothing and her life is the only one requiring a dramatic change, you will likely be a victim of hormonal assault with no recourse. Affirm her. Praise her. Appreciate her. Do it often. I don’t mean in a patronizing and cheesy way, and I don’t mean acting like you are sincere. This is just a little reminder that you need to love her.
Everyone has different love languages and everyone shows love in different ways. Remember to love her in your way and to also love her in the way she prefers to receive it. This may mean giving her quality time together, cooking meals, giving massages, cleaning the house, working overtime hours, buying gifts, painting the nursery, giving words of affirmation, or just simply listening and being around more. In order of priority, you are now person number three. You must try to understand the gravity of the whole situation and sympathize with what she is going through, both emotionally and physically. Being pregnant and having a baby is something that she has thought about her entire life, and she is probably nervous about it. There is a lot of inherent pressure. On top of the potential fears, she’s tired and in a foreign state of being because her body in doing things it has never done before. She is incubating, carrying, transporting, protecting, and feeding your baby. It is happening all day, every day, without a break.
If she feels sick, prepare her the most comfortable place to be sick. Nurse her back to sanity with Preggie Pops™, ginger ale, saltines, or any unorthodox thing you find that actually works. Clean out the trash cans, even if it’s needed fifteen times per day because she blasts every can in the house with her internal eruptions. Keep the bathroom spotless if it’s where she is spending 4 hours per day. Do laundry, make yourself disappear if she needs it, or build some baby furniture. I don’t care if you don’t know what you are doing. Just do something. Whatever works to reduce her stress is what you need to do. Furthermore, whatever works best to communicate your love and commitment, do that. For guys, something that is often exponentially harder than changing the oil in the new minivan is simply being available to talk. If she has something to say, make time to listen. Put down the phone. Better yet, let her see you power it down. If you know she is emotional or fearful, call off the plans you had previously made and be around. Talk her off the ledge and love her back to security. Reassure her and assist her. If she knows you are all in, everyone’s life will be easier. Trust me.
She will likely be tired, like hit by a train tired. Allow her to rest. For gosh sakes man, she’s building a human! You get tired when you have a runny nose for two days, or after you carry in the groceries. Rest is vitally important for her health and the baby’s development. You know what happens when you are extremely tired. You act like an idiot, and you break stuff. Little things become big things. We must prevent this, especially during the first trimester. If she needs a nap, take over her responsibilities and give her an opportunity to do so. Even if she doesn’t need one, offer her the privilege just to remind her that you are an aware and compassionate husband.
She desperately needs her rest, but healthy physical activity is also very important. Keeping in good physical shape should be a priority. Do it with her and do it for her. Pregnancy, childbirth, and recovery will all be exponentially easier if she is in good shape. Fitness is the gift that keeps on giving. Take walks, ride bikes, go to the gym, or take fitness classes together. Get in the habit now so that it becomes an automatic routine. When the baby comes, strolling as a family will be good for the soul and a wonderful addition to your routine. There are a thousand ways to get your heart pumping and your muscles working. Do something that she enjoys and something that can be maintained throughout the pregnancy, and hopefully throughout life.
There are some other key things to look out for in the first few months cohabitating with a pregnant woman. Food preferences and smells are two of them. Don’t spend two hours slaving over the perfect meal without knowing ahead of time that it may be a futile gesture. I have done this numerous times, only to find that she can’t bring herself to eat it. The pecan encrusted, grouper fillet with succulent asparagus, a perfect balsalmic reduction, and her favorite homemade dessert may be denied for a standard bowl of off-brand oatmeal or a handful of pickles. Smells are powerful, and you never know which ones will be good or bad. It’s not just a preference for something else, the smell of something normally considered delectable can make her puke on the spot. I know what you are thinking. I’ll just ask her what she wants to eat and let her pick the menu. St
ill dangerous, my friend! Her meal selection may seem great in her head, but once it’s in the works and the sights and smells become a reality, her tastes can change in an instant. It can even happen in the four minutes it takes the taco truck to pass your meal through the window, or the fifteen minutes it takes the drone to deliver your pizza. Here’s a good husband hack when it comes to food. Keep the fridge stocked with multiple healthy options at all times. Simple enough, right? Have several options at each meal and know that you may be batting cleanup to finish all the leftovers. In the times that she does have an appetite and a semi-normal sense of taste, be sure that she is getting the good stuff, not junk. If you go out on a date, let her order two things on the menu. When it arrives, you can volunteer to eat the one she prefers least.
Cravings can certainly be legit, but can also be a way for women to abuse the system and temporarily dodge the guilt. I know women who use pregnancy as an excuse to take a self-discipline vacation and not feel bad about the extended stay there. Having cravings for Rocky Road ice cream and jelly filled doughnuts every day will be a problem, like a 100-pound problem. This can lead to years of compounded issues with serious health repercussions. We see this phenomenon all too often. The added weight leads to being more tired, which leads to being more sedentary, which leads to more weight, which leads to health complications, which leads to a poor self-image, which leads to depression, which leads to marital problems, on and on. Sometimes, you may have to think rationally for the family. Wipe that sweat off your upper lip and forehead; I am not going to suggest that you rip the dripping spoon and chocolate-smattered bowl from the grips of an emotional and temporarily unstable woman with whom you must continue to cohabitate. It’s easier than that. Remember when we talked about nutrition and smart eating earlier? If you do this part correctly and faithfully, the craving for junk issue will be almost nonexistent. She will crave real food instead, which is in fact what her body and the new baby need. You think a pioneer woman had cravings for Cinnabon™? Even if a craving pops up, as long as you have shopped correctly, you will only have good stuff in the house. There will be something healthy in your fridge or pantry to do the job. Keep something sweet (like watermelon), something sour (like grapefruit), and something salty (like pickles) on hand. If she demands chocolate, don’t buy synthetic milk chocolate syrup full of God-knows-what. Get some real, naturally crafted chocolate made from actual cocoa. It’s fine in moderation. The truth is that most cravings can be satisfied with even a small portion. I don’t want you to be unsympathetic; I just want you to realize that people go way overboard with the craving thing because it’s generally acceptable, and after they do, there can be a truckload of regret. Some people never recover, and those negligent choices affect them negatively forever. Remember, wellness is a lifestyle, and that lifestyle includes you.
What about alcohol and smoking? Both are a terrible idea for her and might be for you too. Both of you need to kick the smoking habit for sure. There is no definite quantity of alcohol that is safe for her to consume during pregnancy. There is also no shortage of people that will tell you that they drank during their pregnancy with no problems; but make no mistake, consuming alcohol when pregnant is always a risk. The more she drinks, the higher the risk of fetal alcohol poisoning. She may love a cold lager or a glass of merlot, but they are not worth the risk. So, what about you? If she is a lover of wine or the nightcap cocktail, be considerate. If you are sipping, swirling and moaning in intoxicated bliss during her time of alcoholic abstinence, you are just a jerk. Even if you aren’t as obnoxious as I described, just openly consuming can still be annoying and painful to watch. Kudos to you if you vow to go dry for 40 weeks with her, but if you don’t, just keep in mind that you are enjoying something that she cannot. As for the smoking, you know the deal. She doesn’t need to smoke and neither do you. If you do, it needs to be far from her. I would encourage you to use this as your final reason and definitive time to quit. After that prized new baby that shares your DNA arrives, you will need to kick the habit anyway. You might as well start now.
If these things weren’t difficult enough, here is the lemon juice on the cut: the “eating for two” mantra is a cop-out. To many people’s surprise, it doesn’t really take that much more food to properly nourish your growing baby. People think that they should eat twice as much at every meal since there are two people to be fed. The norm is wrong here again, and people lack the discipline to do it the right way. The world will excuse overeating during pregnancy, but that doesn’t mean that it’s a smart choice. Remember, the tiny person in her belly isn’t a 155-pound adult. Besides, even if you need more volume, it needs to be the correct type of food. It should be nutritious food, real food, not junk. Gaining 60 pounds to have a seven-pound baby is not the right way to do it. Now she has to lose 50 pounds to feel good again, on top of being the busiest and most tired she has ever been in her life. Yeah, that sort of responsibility and stress could be trouble. You have probably seen this cascade of events negatively affect some of the people that you know. It’s common but doesn’t have to be. It pains me to see a woman who used to be so happy, healthy, and confident turn into a self-conscious, sometimes sad, sometimes angry person because of weight gain. It’s a terrible thing that hurts women and their entire family in time. The best plan here is defense. Prevention is the key. An “I’ll fix that later” attitude will not work and instead will get everyone in a difficult mess. It doesn’t work with retirement planning, and it doesn’t work with physical wellness. You can’t easily undo the damage, so it’s best to guard against it from the beginning. Unless you want a black eye, you can’t tell her at 54 pounds and 30 weeks into the downward spiraling journey that it’s time to cut back on the cupcakes. Talk about a toxic conversation that you will never be forgiven for mentioning. You need to have the agreement early on that BOTH of you will consume real food and get optimal nutrition and exercise. It’s almost impossible to repair later.
Lucky for me, my wife is the most disciplined woman on the planet. So I have not had to coach from the sidelines too much on this one. However, I certainly accompanied her on the healthy path and did not expect her to travel it alone. Other women hate her for only gaining 10-15 pounds during pregnancy and looking like she is headed to the senior prom the week after having a baby. Her healthy condition is a result of being smart and driven, not superior genetics, as they will exclaim in a guilt-inducing diatribe. She eats good food. She eats a lot of it too, but it’s the right stuff. She works out like her life depends on it, and I am right by her side doing it too. She does not compromise or make excuses, and she is validated in the hard work by knowing that she is doing it for the whole family. Nonetheless, the other women have a hard time liking her for it. They give her the, “That must be nice” response instead of asking her to teach them the way. By the time they realize it is their fault, it’s too late. Just hear me on this. Do not be surprised at the passive aggressive comments from friends and complete strangers.
So many women will still be trying to lose 32 pounds of “baby weight” a year later, and their husband will have put on an additional 20 himself. Often, when my wife meets another woman for the first time, they will ask how old her baby is. She will say that of her four, the youngest is two months. Then they will say something like, “I can’t stand you,” in a joking way, absolutely meaning it the whole time. The truth is that no one will dare bring up that there is a difference between baby weight and bonbon weight. One woman asked my wife recently, “What’s the secret to losing the baby weight so fast?” Before she could respond to the disgruntled, insincere, but smiling woman, I responded, saying, “You have a baby.” Later, after my wife scolded me and informed me that I was being rude and shouldn’t have said that, I realized that she was right. I should have included the placenta, water breakage, and a good bowel movement to have been totally honest and more accurate response to the question. Those things account for at least a few more pounds.
This may all seem
a little harsh and rude to some, but let’s remember two related realities on this subject. A healthy baby depends solely on a healthy mother, and a mother should not have to do it alone. The entire household needs to be healthy. It’s probably true that many healthy babies are born to women who eat nothing but ice cream. It’s also true that many women get into a state of insecurity and self-hate after pregnancy because they can never reel it back in. That’s not healthy for anyone in the family.
So make a commitment to shop smart, to eat smart, and not to cheat. Everyone is on the same plan. Stay off the junk, the cigarettes, drugs, or anything else that is detrimental to optimal health, and keep moving. All three of you will be better for it for your entire lives.
The Worst Day of Her Life
A few words on miscarriage
As much as I despise this subject, we must take a detour to discuss it before getting into the second trimester. Miscarriage is something that very few people willingly talk about. Much like the infertility issues we talked about earlier, we assume that it’s rare because we don’t hear about it too much. The fact is that it’s extremely common for women to have a miscarriage in the first trimester. Some statistics say that one in five pregnancies ends this way.