Hacking Fatherhood Page 11
Once all the medicines, vital signs, and checkups are complete, everything starts to slow down. Emotions start to regulate, and the reality of being a parent starts to emerge. Now, it’s time for a good bath. Everybody in the room probably needs one, but I am specifically talking about the baby’s first bath. A seemingly aggressive scrub will commence, resulting in a clean little human that resembles your family members, but probably smells much better. In time, you will learn how to bathe, diaper, and swaddle the baby just like the pros are doing in front of you. Don’t worry too much about it right now. You will have a few days’ worth of help before you have to go solo. Just enjoy it for what it is. Once all the chores are done, your new baby will be swaddled tightly and handed back to you. Your baby is likely starting to calm down now because he is back in a warm, tight position, much like the environment he’s grown accustomed to over the last few months in the womb. If Mom is finished with her duties and is ready, walk the little nugget over and give him to her. If she isn’t ready quite yet, just enjoy holding him. You can gently sway and shush while he is in your arms in the swaddle. Being back in a warm, snug position is pure gold to a new baby.
Once your all-star wife and prized newborn are both well and all cleaned up, you will hopefully be ready to move to your third and final room. It’s officially recovery time, and all three of you will need some.
Catch Your Breath
We rolled her into an 87-degree room with chipping paint and a flickering overhead light. I saw the broken “dad chair” in the corner with the footrest dangling, and I knew I was screwed for the next 48 hours.
As long as everything is in check, the only thing left to do is rest and recover. What an understatement, right? At least you aren’t missing half of the internal contents that your body was housing 120 minutes ago. There will likely be a mixed feeling of relief and fear going into the recovery room. You are relieved that everything went well, but scared that something could still go wrong. This person seems so fragile and needy. Not to mention your wife and the baby.
Depending on the hospital, the recovery room may be less than desired. I have been in hospitals that were similar to the Four Seasons and ones that more closely resembled a county jail cell. Two people will be guaranteed a warm, moderately soft bed. Neither of those two people will be you. There will likely be a bad recliner or maybe an undersized sofa for you. I think they call those things a love seat, but you won’t be feeling the love. Regardless of your back pain and potential lack of slumber, do not complain. I repeat, do not complain. It sucks to be uncomfortable, but remember, you didn’t just have a nine-pound person removed from your body. I do recommend asking the nurse (or several of them as they change shifts) if there is a better chair somewhere that you could move into the room. Ask politely letting the nurse know that you want to be present in the room, at your wife’s side, for everything. You know, like a real, compassionate husband and awesome new dad would do. You are an anomaly to what they see every day, and they will likely want to be kind to you for being so. A lot of guys go home or get a hotel, but you will be there, right beside your wife. Stay there, sleep there, help out, and go the distance. Don’t outsource this duty to a family member unless the adult patient in the room explicitly tells you to do so. Better yet, don’t do it unless she tells you the second time. She probably didn’t mean it the first time anyway. You need to be there for her and your new baby. I know that you would not have even considered sleeping in a more luxurious place, but I had to remind you just in case you were tempted. You have a few important things to learn, but truthfully, your biggest job is to be present and attentive.
In recovery, you will mostly be hanging out while Mom and baby both sleep. New babies sleep a whole lot, and your wife’s body is beyond exhausted. Your child will be rolled in and out from time to time for tests, checkups, and rest. The best rest for Mama will come when the baby is in the nursery, but the times when he is in your room will be very special. I want to say something that may surprise you, which is, for the first two nights, send the baby to the nursery for 6-8 hours if they will let you. You will have plenty of all-nighters when you get home, so use your evenings at the hospital to sleep. I promise he won’t feel neglected and remind you of it when he’s 17 years old. Use the help now while you have it. You are paying for it. Your wife needs good rest for a better and faster recovery. You will still be awakened multiple times each night for meds, blood pressure checks, and shift changes. The sound of Velcro™ ripping on a blood pressure cuff is always offensive at 2:00 a.m., but it will be done with the same intense vigor every few hours whether you are ready for it or just hitting your first REM sleep in a week. During the day, keep the baby close by as much as possible. Use that time to learn how to change, feed, burp, and swaddle from the staff. Hold him, speak to him, and just let him be in the room sleeping with the both of you. He will learn to sleep with noise and be comforted by your voices.
1 DAY AD
The Calm Before the Storm
This place is nothing like the all-inclusive resort you saved up all those vacation days to visit.
You’ve been through a lot, and you may have forgotten about your other job. Now is the time to call in and arrange some time off work. Hopefully, there are some vacation days, sick days, or paternity leave time that you can use. Regardless of whether you prepared in advance for this, it’s time to be with your family. Some guys don’t take off work at all, and many others take an insufficient amount of time and can’t wait to get back. You, in contrast to the status quo, are an exceptional guy that will be more available and more hands-on than the male populous. Take some time off. Be present. Do the hard work.
If you have a considerable amount of leave time to use, I recommend using it in multiple waves, instead of one long stint. You certainly need to be around for the next few days, if not the whole week. However, if one of the baby’s new grandparents or relatives plans to visit and help in the next few weeks, maybe you should let Grandma fill in for a few days so that you can be home later when the other help has expired. Your wife may appreciate it more too. Instead of having a house full of eager people, maximize your time to overlap the void. If it’s possible, take a few of your days in week two and a few in week three or four to create extra-long weekends. You can decide what works best for your specific situation. Just know that sometimes you are needed more after the donated meals and friendly help dissipates. If there is no way to take off work, ask your employer and staff if you can complete some of your work from home.
Another item that you need to go ahead and take care of is letting your insurance company know that you have a new family member that needs to be added to your policy. The little guy won’t have a social security number yet, but he needs to be added to the plan as soon as possible. From this point on, he is a patient that will be billed for his own list of services. Just give them a call and give the information they need. Adding a new dependent is standard procedure and only takes a few minutes.
Complications Are Complicated
After two miscarriages and nine agonizing months of a high-risk pregnancy that had been ravaged by fear and anxiety, he was finally here, and he was dying. Everything in my being was imploding, and people needed me more than ever. For the first time in my life, I had no energy. It would have been infinitely easier for me just to disappear, but that wasn’t an option.
Complications of any kind can emerge before, during, or after childbirth. Issues can range from very mild and temporary to life altering and devastating. My family has been exposed to some heartbreaking and terrifying events over the years. There is no fear and panic like the news of a baby or a mother in trouble. Whether it’s a little extra bleeding, an infection, breathing issues, deformations, unfavorable tests, broken body parts, or worse, expect it to be the most difficult undertaking you have ever faced. It will be extremely trying for you and your wife. If an unfavorable event comes your way, give it the adequate respect and attention that it deserves.
> The key to surviving these moments is having information, support, and faith. If you are missing any or all of them, it can feel impossible to overcome. Even if you have all three elements in place, it can be a treacherous ordeal. It may still feel like you are suffocating. Being informed gives you some sense of control, even though you have very little. If you have an amazing doctor, nurse, or midwife, they will sympathize with you and attempt to keep you calm and in the loop. Ask questions, and keep asking until you understand the situation. Be careful what you read online as many sites that will come up in your searches will be inaccurate. You need valid, valuable insight pertaining to these complications, and it needs to be gathered from credible, professional sources. Knowledge is power. If you don’t know about jaundice, and you heard it diagnosed for the first time concerning your six pounds of unbelievable love, it sounds horrible. When you find out that it happens all day, every day, and the treatment is a warm spot under a special lightbulb, suddenly you can breathe again. If it’s something bigger and more debilitating, you will still need information to lessen the state of panic and anxiety.
Family support is invaluable, not only because of the immediate need to be surrounded by more love, but because the other people around you are probably thinking more clearly at the moment and can provide some sound encouragement and support. They can also bring you a good meal, do some research, have conversations with hospital staff, or just be there, so that you aren’t alone. Don’t deny the people that you love the opportunity to be there, unless they are complicating the situation. Some family members have a keen ability to do this.
In times like these, faith may be your only saving grace. Regardless of how strong your faith has been in the past, you will quickly need to step it up and use it in many new capacities. You will voraciously search within yourself to find strength to cope. That faith may be used for gratitude, hope, joy, graceful suffering, desperate pleas for help, or some other deep need. If your faith has been on the sidelines for a while, it’s about to be called in to perform in the big leagues. Your family will need you to be a spiritual leader forever. This won’t be the last time you need strong faith. My only advice is to communicate with God, and because communication is always a two-way street, speak your heart and also take time to listen to God’s response. Use your faith to full capacity so that you can be the rock that your family needs in a tough time. Someone needs to remain unshaken and grounded. The family will instinctively turn to you as a leading father and husband. Although suffering is a part of life, and we will all suffer at some point, we can take pride in suffering gracefully with a heart full of love and devotion. I have been in some seemingly dark and hopeless times when it seemed I had nothing but despair. I felt useless, which made me more depressed, unfulfilled, and vulnerable. What I have learned is that at some point, we have to decide to be on the offense. Instead of just receiving blow after blow until we can no longer stand, we should be proactive, positive, and prayerful. Then, regardless of the outcome, you can be proud and non-remorseful about the way you handled it.
With each new development, ask yourself, “What is the most loving response that I can have at this moment?” Try your best to react in a thoughtful way, giving yourself to the people that need you. Now we are talking about being a real man and being the leader that your family needs. You weren’t trained for this, but you can and must take the job and face it head on. It would be easier to die, but that isn’t an option. You’ve always known that you were designed for something great. You can’t stop now.
The Last Place You Expected to Be
You come in to visit, desperately hoping for good news. You do whatever you can to cope and pretend to be stronger than you are for your wife. Then you are asked to leave, to leave your newborn baby suffering and struggling. You must exit as the shift changes, and a new wave of caregivers comes in. You size them up in a quick glance to try to evaluate their character, see who is compassionate and capable enough to minister to your child’s needs. You can’t do anything but stand there and watch people do their work. It’s routine for them, and gut wrenching for you. If you don’t regularly talk to God, you are about to start, and it may not be in the kindest tone.
My sincere hope is that this chapter will never be relevant to you. If you never have to visit a sick child, I will celebrate with you. However, it’s still necessary for me to write it, and for you to read. You may find my advice useful now for an immediate situation with your baby. It could apply later in situations with other parents that you know and love who are stuck in a difficult situation. This section involves complications with the baby that warrant special medical attention in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). I have personally been there, and I can attest that it absolutely stinks to have to spend time in the unit.
A visit to the NICU can range from minor and routine to severe or fatal. There are babies in the unit that just need extra blue light and a day of monitoring, and some that are hanging on to life by a tiny thread for months. It’s tough to be in there and see babies, often only a pound or two, that are struggling to survive. It’s heartbreaking to see the other parents. But it’s horrible when you are the parents, and the baby in front of you on the life-preserving equipment is your own. Nothing prepares you for this because your expectation was a warm, sleeping, tightly swaddled little person in your arms. Not being able to hold your child is awful, and seeing him with multiple tubes and wires running in and out of his little body is even worse. These times are unimaginably difficult to handle.
I’m going to give some practical advice and some encouragement. I have been through some seemingly impossible odds and horrible diagnoses with my wife, with one of my sons, and with several newborns in my extended family. These tasks are simple in theory, but invaluable to the battle at hand.
1. Stay positive.
This is easy to say, but hard to practice. Speak with hopeful words and tone. Know that these NICU’s are amazing. With the help of modern medicine, advanced techniques, and state-of-the-art equipment, they can do seemingly impossible things to save a baby’s life and bring him back to good health. Despite overwhelming odds, I have seen many children come through early difficulties and end up just fine. One of my sons experienced full healing with no long-term problems, even after horrific brain scan results and an inability to breathe on his own for days. Regardless of the diagnosis, know that there is hope for a full recovery.
2. Be present.
It will feel like there is not much that you can do to help, and that fact drives most guys crazy. This helpless feeling is difficult to manage, especially for new dads. If you are like most men, you want to take charge and fix things. In this case, though, you have to just wait and rely on others. That waiting is tough. However, be as present as possible to this situation and especially to your wife. Visit your little guy as much as the NICU will allow. Allow family members to be there if you need to be away for some time. Call for updates during the non-visiting hours. Let your family and the staff see you doing the work. It will motivate everyone to be stronger. It will also give you a much-needed sense of purpose.
3. Pray.
This may naturally happen out of necessity or desperation, but I want to encourage you to take it a step further. There are many benefits to prayer and meditation. Praying aloud with your spouse and over your child is very powerful too. I have witnessed several indisputable miracles in my life during prayer. I have been the direct recipient of some unbelievable and miraculous things. But even in the absence of definitive proof of divine happenings, developing a habit of praying is beneficial. We need to be grateful, to reflect, to be honest, and to get a few things off of our chests. We need to get in touch with our new vocation and learn how to listen. In the times that you feel like you can’t do anything to help a difficult situation, pray. Sometimes I don’t feel like doing it either, but it’s always beneficial when it’s done. Praying allows you to at least do something other than just sit there. That something is needed
, for all parties involved. It doesn’t have to be profound or poetic, just honest. You can’t do it wrong.
4. Ask for Support.
Rally whatever troops that you have in your network for support. Reach out to friends, family, and relatives, and let them know what is going on. It makes a huge difference when other people come together in support of you and your family. Little gestures of love and kindness all have an impact on how you get through this phase. It may just be a few minutes to visit, a good meal delivered, an errand to run, or honest prayers that totally change your day. Allow people to do some of these things. Accept generosity if it is offered. Community can be a beautiful thing if your pride will allow it to work. You will need the help and will learn to appreciate it.
5. Rest.
During the times when visiting is not allowed, try to rest. It’s hard when your brain is racing through scenarios and fears, but you and your spouse need rest. No one functions well when they are sleep-deprived. This stuff is mentally and physically exhausting, even if you are at your best, which you certainly won’t be. Everything suffers when we are tired. Take visitation shifts with family if possible. You may need to take a sleep aid during the available rest periods to be able to truly relax and recover. Talk to your doctor, or try an over-the-counter aid to help get some rest. Benadryl™ or melatonin may be a good option for you. Your doctor may recommend a stronger sleep aid or even an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety drug. If you need some help, don’t be ashamed or hesitant to seek it. My only recommendation is to stay away from any habit-forming or addictive drugs. Try to avoid depressants like alcohol. Discuss it with your doctor before you are at the end of your rope and totally burned out.